WTF! Another Harry Potter Story!
by GetJiggyWithIt
Summary: The most screwed up school year that Hogwarts has ever seen!
1. Chapter 1 Bringing down the HOGWARTS!

A/N: please note that any spelling errors were not intentional

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters and elements are trademarks of J.K. Rowling.**

**WTF! Another Harry Potter Story?!  
by GetJiggyWithIt**

**Chapter 1 – Bringing Down the HOGWARTS!**

* * *

The Durlseys were an enormously large and average family. Of course, except for Mrs. Dursley. She had a very horse-like face, which made her uglier than she already was. Now the Dursleys were mean to a wee little boy named Harry Potter, Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia's nephew. Their little Dudley found Harry amusing and Harry was his favorite cousin. Of course Dudley would just pinch, punch or insult little Harry.

Now today was a special day for Harry. Today was the day Harry was going to move out of his uncle's house and live with Sirius Black...NOT!! Today was actually his eleventh birthday. He knew that the Dursleys would never remember his birthday so he went outside to the yard to sit on a bench and sang "Happy Birthday" to himself. That's where Dobby the house-elf comes in. Dobby was staring at Harry's arse and said, "Nice arse".

"Hello?!" he yelled backed trembling and honored at the same time that someone had actually said that he had a nice arse. He ran inside and pulled at Aunt Petunia's dress so much until it ripped right off. Harry noticed this too so he ran to his room (prison). Aunt Petunia screamed until she got laryngitis (I was kidding) I don't give a damn anyway. Aunt Petunio had to sew the window curtains to make another dress.

"I wonder who that was?" wondered Harry. "It looked at me in a very strange and mysterious way as if he...or it was hungry. Maybe I'm just crazy or just imaging it. Yeah, that's it. Possibly".

During the night, Harry awoke to the smell of smelly trash. He thought there was a pile of trash on his bed but when Harry looked closer, he saw that the trash was actually was a pile of crap. When he jerked his head to the side, so the crap wouldn't smell as bad, he noticed the same pair of eyes that were staring at his...um arse in the morning that caused him so much trouble.

"So sorry to disturb you Harry Potter, sir, but I have an urgent message to deliver to you," squeaked the little voice.

The figure came out of the shadows and jumped onto Harry's bed. "Dobby's the name. Dobby the house-elf. Dobby's heard many great stories about Harry Potter, sir and Dobby wanted to come and meet Harry Potter" squeaked Dobby.

Harry just sat there looking dumbfounded. "Dobby's message is that...that is Dobby's poop".

"Yeah...that's what I thought...so...um...like what's the message?" asked Harry.

"That is Dobby's poop." repeated Dobby.

"Ewww!! Gross!!" said Harry.

"Yes I know, sir!!" Dobby squeaked jumping up in excitement.

"Clean this up for me you ham head," shouted Harry. "Before the Dursleys..."

"PETUNIA!! I CAN SMELL CANDY COMING FROM HARRY'S ROOM!! HE'S HIDING CANDY!! COME!! HURRY!! FASTER!! RUN AS FAST AS YOUR PORK-CHOP LEGS CAN CARRY YOU, DUDLEY!! LET'S GRAB THE BEST CANDIES BEFORE HE EATS THEM!!" shouted Uncle Vernon.

"Run, Dobby!! Run!!" cried Harry.

Then all of a sudden there was a big boom coming from downstairs- SQUISH!! Someone had just squashed Aunt Petunid's cat!! TO DEATH!! DUN DUN DUN!!

"WHAT IN TARN NATION IS GOING ON DOWNSTAIRS?!" shouted Uncle Vernon.

"The house!! IT'S BREAKING DOWN!!" shouted Aunt Petunia.

"HARRY!!" shouted Uncle Vernon.

"I DIDN'T DO IT!! I mean WHAT DID I DO?!" cried Harry.

"The name's Hagrid!! Sorry fer the intrusion but I've come to deliver some important news. Some so shocking that it will make you jump right out of your seat!!"

"We have no seat you twit!!" shouted Uncle Vernon.

"Whatever!! Here it goes!! Your son, Doodley is...DEAD!!" said Hagrid.

"What are you talking about?! He's right here!!" shouted Uncle Vernon spitting spit into Hagrid's beard which swallowed the specks of spit right up. Hagrid didn't seem to care. Actually, he liked it. He thought it tickled.

"Ahhh...yes I see...well I guess that was the wrong message!! Here it is!! Yer a wizard, Harry" said Hagrid.

"OMIGOD!!" shouted Harry in excitement.

"NOOOO!! You weren't supposed to tell him!! Until he's like 18 of course, and outta the house!" shouted the Dursleys.

"YOU MEAN I'M REALLY A WIZARD!!" shouted Harry in excitement.

"STOP SHOUTING IN ME EAR!! Ok then. Harry come with me. I'll take you to Hogwarts, The School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!! If they ain't taking ya I'll take ya der meself!!"

"OK!!" cried Harry.

Harry followed a total stranger outside to his vehicle. It was really Sirius Black's motorcycle but Hagrid had been bragging about the motorcycle being his that he forgot why he was even here so he left leaving Harry behind.

"HEY!! MISTER!! COME BACK YOU HAIRY BEAR!! Uh-oh!!"

"YA KNOW WHAT?! YOU'D BE BETTER OFF WALKING BY YERSELF AND IN SLYTERIN!!"!" But then Hagid noticed how thin and small Harry was so he had sympathy for him. "I'm sorry kid. If you'd run all the way to Hogworts you be dead by the time yer halfway der. And I yelled at you because I know you're um...a...um...let's just say a size medium and I'm a size...(mumble mumble).

"What'd you say?"

"I SAID YER BEAUTIFUL!! OK GRAN'MA!! AND I'M A SIZE XXXXXXL!! NOW HOP ON YOU LITTLE SPECK!!"

Hagrid yelled at Harry more than Uncle Vernon yelled at him in his whole entire life. His insults were terse like "YER FAT!!" or "STOP PEEIN' ON MY MOTORCYCLE!! YA' SHOULDA GONE BEFORE THE TRIP, YA' LITTLE WIENER!!" At least they made it to Hogwarts fast AND cheap.

"Are you calling me CHEAP!?" yelled Hagrid.

Hagrid had all the things ready for Harry that he would need for Hogwats. Hagrid was expelled from Hogwarts in his 3rd year because of an accident that happened.

"HEY! STOP TALKIN' ABOUT ME!!"

There were many kids waiting to get to Hogwarts. Hagrid got up to the front and seated 4 to a boat and if they were fat like Dudley, Hagrid would put them in a boat for themselves so that they could row their own boat and lose some weight before meeting the all mighty Professor Dumbledore. Harry was partnered up with a redheaded boy named Ron Weasly, a tubby boy named...whatshisface? Ah yes! Neville Longbottom and a girl with a bush ball brown hair named Hermione Granger or some nonsense. They talked to each other for quite some time 'till they reached the castle. When they reached the castle, they met many different kids. They were all talking and sitting down to eat when Dumbledore interrupted them.

"QUIET DOWN YOU STOOGES!! PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORK HAS SOMETHING TO SAY!" shouted Professor Snape.

Dumbledore: "Enjoy!!" and that was all.

They all pigged out. After the feast, the 1st years were led up to their dormitories by their prefect. Anyway they learned that in order to get into their dormitories, they had to learn a password. They had to say a password to a talking painting. She was a fat lady in a pink silk gown...that's not important though...what's important is that they woke up the next morning and went to breakfast.

After breakfast they went to class. Blah blah! Then it was time 4 dinner and they went to bed. The next morning they heard someone scream so they went to check it out. It was Penelope Clearwater! She had been petrified and so was Neville Longbottom! Hermione and Ron went to call Professor McGonagall but she was in the bathroom so they waited till she was finished and then they dragged her by the arm and showed her where Penelope and Neville were. She left them and went to go get Prof. Dumdbledore. Prof. Dumbledore saw them and then he left to gather up all the teachers and students. They "ooohed" and "aahhhed" which got very annoying.

"HARRY POTTER??" said Prof. Snape angrily.

"WHAT?! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING YOU UGLY, STUPID, MEAN, CHILD HATER BUT MALFOY LOVER, SON OF A..." yelled Harry angrily.

"HARRY POOTER!!" yelled Snape.

"Calm down, Severus. He is just a young lad. He doesn't know any better." Said Prof. Dumbledore. "And anyway we can fix this problem right Prof. Sprout?" He turned to Prof. Sprout. "We can--"

She nodded.

"How could you nod if u don't know what I'm going to say?!" said Prof. Dumbledore.

"Oh sorry sir." Said Prof. Sprout.

"Now everybody please return to class." Said Prof. Dumblredore. And with that everyone left.

**(End of chapter 1)**


	2. Chapter 2 Harry Almighty

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters and elements are trademarks of J.K. Rowling.**

**WTF! Another Harry Potter Story?!  
By GetJiggyWithIt**

**Chapter 2 – Harry Almighty**

* * *

It's been days since the petrifying of Neville and Penelope Clearwater. Hogwarts is as busy as usual to try and prevent another student from getting petrified.

(During Potions class)

"Draco!! Honey! I'm scared!! Can you pwease stay with me??" said Pansy with a messed up puppy dog look on her face. It looked more like she was mad and happy at the same time.

"No way! You'd probably hog all the oxygen anyway…" said Draco.

"WAHHHHH!! IM FAT!!" Pansy reached for a bag of chocolate frosted chocolate chip apple from her bag. "Next time you see me, I'll be skinnier than Kate Moss!"

"STOP MUNCHING SO LOUD!!" yelled Prof. Snape. "MS. PARKINSON! LEAVE THE ROOM!"

Pansy ran to her room, wailing, and leaving 10 feet deep dents in the floor.

"AND YOU TOO!" shouted Prof. Snape. "YEA, I'M TALKING TO YOU! AND YOU! EVERYBODY LEAVE! I HATE ALL OF YOU!!"

Everyone rushed out. Since Snape canceled Potions class, everybody has extra time on their hands to do whatever. Hermione went to the library to do homework, Ron went to get some rest so Harry decided to explore. He was making his way down the stairs to Hagrid's hut when he heard a voice.

"Kill…rip…tear…stab…choke…PULL MY FINGER!"

Harry followed the voice. It kept repeating the words over and over. The voice seemed to be coming from the other side of the wall. Harry kept following it till suddenly it stopped.

"Harry, what are you doing here?" asked a voice.

Harry looked up and saw Ron and Hermione standing there.

"Oh, hi Ron and Herniminney."

"IT'S HERMIONE!!" yelled Hermione.

"Whatever, Hermininny. Have you guys heard a voice around here? It was saying "kill, rip, tear, etc etc." I think it wanted to…" Harry stopped his sentence short when he saw something written in blood on the wall…

_The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir __**beware…**_

"Whoa…DID YOU SEE THAT DUCK WADDLE BY?!" Ron cried out in amazement.

"Ron! That's not a duck! That's a spider!" said Hermione.

"GET IT AWAY! OH GOD!" Ron prances around the room trying to get a spider off his back.

"Hagrid's really got to take better care of the castle!!" said Hermione putting her hands on her hips.

"Waaaah! Get it off!" Ron cried out.

"C'mon we got to go visit Hagrid and tell him about the spiders." Said Harry. The trio head outside. When they reach Hagrid's hut, they see him inside covering up the cracks and windows.

"Hagrid, what are you doing?" asked Hermione.

"OH GEEZ! SHHHH!! What're you specks doin' here?!" asked Hagris exasperated.

"God, I was just asking," said Hermione. "And why is it so hot in here?"

"Well see here," Hagrid pulls out an egg. "I got this just a few days ago. Ya see that? It's 'bout time."

Hagrid turns up the heat. There is a soft cracking sound. The egg starts to hatch and out comes Harry's parents.

"C'mon Harry. Lets go home." Says Harry's dad.

JUST KIDDING!

The egg starts to hatch and out comes a baby chick.

"Oh darn! Wrong egg…" said Hagrid.

"Hagrid? If that's the wrong egg then what happened to the real one?" asked Hermione.

(On the other side of the world…)

"Oh goodie! My chicks are gonna hatch!"

(Back to England…)

"Hagrid, where'd you get that egg?" asked Harry.

"From this guy I sat on. He gave me the egg so I would stop sittin' on him." Said Hagrid happily going into his own world.

"HAGRUD!" Ron abruptly brought little Hagrid out of his trance.

"I DIDN'T FART I TELLS YA!"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione's faces began to contort into disgust as a very FOUL stench filled the air.

"So, what did you want to talk 'bout Speck, Speckles, and Speckalina?" Hagrid said sheepishly.

"We wanted to know about the mysterious spiders and the stranger who gave you that egg." Said Harry.

"Well I tells ya, the spiders will lead you to your answer," said Hagrid pointing to the door, "Now get out."

"Wait, what about the mysterious stranger that gave you that egg? What did he look like?" asked Hermione.

"He was fat, and skinny, and tall and short, had short arms, long legs and long arms and--" Hargid was cut short of his sentence.

"Hagrid, don't you think it's weird that a total stranger you sat on, just happens to have an egg you wanted?" asked Hermione.

"No."

"What exactly did he say or do?" asked Ron.

"Well he bought me a few drinks an' we talked 'bout Hogwarts. He asked me about Fluffy an then--"

"Who's Fluffy?" asked the trio.

"Fluffy's my three headed dog!" Hagrid says happily.

"What exactly did you tell him about Fluffy?" asked Harry.

"If you play a song for him he was fall fast asleep!" said Hagrid, "Now get out!" With that hagrid pushed them out the door and slammed it shut. "Morons…"

"C'mon guys! We got to get to Fluffy before that stranger does!" Harry leads the way to the castle. By then it was nighttime. They made it to the third floor and through the door. Inside laid a huge black three-headed dog. Underneath the dog was a trap door. A harp was playing softly in the distance.

"He must've already made it through," whispered Hermione.

"LETS MOVE IT! MOVE IT!" hissed Harry.

They were almost through when the harp stopped playing.

"Is it…a little quiet to you guys?" asked Ron anxiously. A long wet drop of drool fell onto Ron's shoulder. They all looked up and came face to face with six angry eyes. Fluffy started to bark and bite Harry's hair. Harry, Hermione, and Ron pushed through the trap door and landed softly onto the ground. They made it through a series of tests. Harry knew that he alone had to go and get the Sorcerer's Stone so he did. He made it through the wall and found himself in a large room with the Mirror of Erised in the middle. There stood a tall man turban headman. When he turned around, Harry saw it was--

"QUIRRELL!"

"Ah Harry. I've been expecting you…"

"But, but…how--?"

"SHUT UP! NOW TELL ME WHERE THE SORCERER'S STONE IS!" Quirrell lifted Harry up into the air and danced around. "I won't stop dancing till you tell me where it is!"

"I don't know!" said Harry getting a little dizzy.

"YOU DON'T KNOW?!" and with that Quirrell threw Harry's body at the mirror.

"OH CRAP! WHAT DID I JUST DO?!" Quirrell rushed to the mirror and repaired it. _"Ask the boy what he sees…"_

"Alright Harry! What do you see?!" demanded Quirrell.

"Huh? Ugh…I-I see…Gryffindor winning the…H-House cup…" said Harry nonchalantly looking into the mirror.

"_He's lying!" _hissed an angry voice. "Harry, boy, you better not be lying to me! TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE!"

"THIS!" Harry punched Quirrell and ran for it. What he really saw in the mirror was…THE SORCERER'S STONE! IN HIS POCKET!! YEAH!

"_GET HIM!" _Quirrell launched him at Harry but missed! He unwrapped the turban from his head and smacked Harry's ass!

"OW! YOU--!!"

"Let me talk to him…"

"But master! You're too weak!" Quirrell answered back nervously.

"_Let me talk to him foo!" _hissed the voice. Quirrell turned around and there on the back of his head was an old wrinkled worn out face.

"Ew what in bloody hell is that?! You could get surgery for that you know." Harry said pointing and laughing.

"_Harry…you don't recognize me? Come to daddy!" _said the voice.

"What--MOLDEMORT!" cried Harry in astonishment.

"_Give me the stone. Then I will let your see your parents again… I can bring them back. Don't you want to see them again?" _said Voldemort slyly.

"NEVER!" Harry ran for the door but Quirrell caught Harry's leg. Harry touched Quirrel's face and it started to fry and dissolve.

"_WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GET HIM!" _hissed Voldemort. "But master! I can't--! AHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Harry had touched his face and Quirrel dissolved and turned to dust.

"…Where's that maid, Hagrid when you need him? Phew!" Harry was about to turn the door handle when there was a loud hissing sound. Harry turned around and there stood a huge basilisk. It was slithering toward Harry faster and faster.

"Aw pipe down!" Harry threw the Sorcerer's stone at the basilisk's left eye and a sword (which seemed to magically appear out of the Sorting Hat that also seemed to magically appear) at its right eye. The basilisk died instantly.

"I'm tired…" Harry fainted from all the energy he had lost. He woke up hours later in the hospital wing. Dumbledore had a little talk with him and left. Harry went up to Dumbledore's office later because he wanted to talk to him about the sword he found. Dobby and Lucius Malfoy were talking to Dumbledore. Lucius left the room with Dobby.

In his office, Harry and Dumbledore talked about Harry's history.

"You can speak Parseltongue, Harry," said Dumbledore calmly, "because Lord Voldemort –- who _is_ the last remaining ancestor of Salazar Slytherin –- Can speak Pareseltongue. Unless I'm much mistaken, he transferred some of his powers to you the night he gave you that scar. Not something he intended to do, I'm sure…"

("Stop copying from the book!" Harry bellowed while Dumbledore hastily tried to hide the Harry Potter book into his robe.)

THEN Lucius Malfoy busted down the door. Then he left. Harry placed his dirty sock in Lucius's book because he wanted someone to wash it for him. What he didn't know what that Lucius handed the book to Dobby setting Dobby free!

Anyway…

Those magical words stuck to Harry, in his head, from then until the feast. Dumbledore was announcing the winner of the House Cup. And it was…GRYFFINDOR!! Yay! After the feast everyone packed up ready for the train home. They've all had an amazing year.

Everyone got on the train and hours later, the Hogwarts Express slowed and finally stopped. Harry pulled out his quill and a bit of parchment. He scribbled his phone number and handed it to the two of them.

"Call me over the summer. It gets really boring having only Dudley to talk to…"

"WHAT IS THIS?!" Ron asked dumbfounded.

"Your aunt and uncle will be proud, though, won't they?" said Hermione as they got off the train and joined the crowd thronging toward the enchanted barrier. "When they hear what you did this year?"

"Proud?" said Harry, "Are you crazy? All those times I could've died and I didn't manage it? They'll be furious…"

And together they walked back through the gateway to the Muggle world.

"Hey Harry…isn't that your aunt Marge up in the sky?" asked Ron.

"Why, yes it is." Said Harry casually.

Up in the sky…

"I CAN FLYY! THOSE WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAMS SURELY PAID OFF!" said an excited Marge.

Minutes later….

"I HAVE TO USE THE BATHEROOM!"

**(Beginning of chapter 3, End of chapter 2)**


	3. Chapter 3 English Chicks

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters and elements are trademarks of J.K. Rowling & Warner Bros.**

**WTF! Another Harry Potter Story?!  
By GetJiggyWithIt**

**Chapter 3 – English Chicks**

* * *

Harry came home from school a few months later after he went out for a lollipop. As he entered the living room, he threw up at the sight of his uncle prancing around in yellow tutus with the TV on. He saw a reporter halfway through a report about an escaped convict named Sirius Black.

"...Black is armed and fabulous. This could be extremely dangerous. A special... "

Before Harry could even breathe, Uncle Vernon had seen him and body slammed him.

"GET TO YOUR ROOM BOY!" Uncle Vernon shouted as he started slapping Harry with his yellow tutus.

"OK! OK! Just spare me!"

Uncle Vernon lifted himself off Harry. As Harry crawled to his room dragging his legs, he mumbled, "I'm crippled for life!"

Up in his room, Harry could be alone to think about nothing. He found five letters sent to him: birthday cards from Hermione, Ron and Hagrid (and Hagrid's letter also came with a biting book), a package from Ron containing a Pocket Sneakoscope, and a Hogwarts letter. As he was almost done thinking about nothing, he heard a car pull out of the driveway. It was Uncle Vernon!

"Wonder where he's..."

"...Going?" asked Ron suspiciously.

"Hey, why you all up in my grill homie!" asked Harry angrily disturbed at having his grill disturbed, "Nobody invited you to my barbeque!"

"Oh rightio! Sorry then mate! By the way, I tried using that muggle thing you call a... err... feletone, but I guess it didn't work… Well anyhoo! Tootle loo!" Ron jumps out the window and Harry could hear cars crashing outside his window. He then heard a "RUN!" and then silence. A few hours later, Harry heard a car crashing into the driveway. He looked out the window and saw Uncle Vernon stepping out of his car. He walked inside and started speaking jibberish to Auntio Petunio.

"Marge stah derf!"

"Marge wasn't there when you came to pick her up at the airport? Why that's jibberish!" said Aunt Petunia, raising her hands in a dramatic way. "What are we going to do with all this crap on the table?"

"Danderf courcth butt!"

"Let's go get some Glad plastic wrap for the food? Good idea. I'm so glad I married that guy over there!" said Aunt Petunia pointing to the trashcan.

Just as they left, Harry came racing down the stairs with his mouth gaping open. He ran across the table gobbling up all the delectable drugs—I mean food. He raced out of there as fast as he came in. Actually, he went a little slower. As he was heading to his room, he bumped into Dudley who was obviously NOT listening to Smoky Bear. Dudley was playing with matches when Harry "accidentally" cut the cheese. Dudley was NO MOE! (It was actually Dudley's stunt double, which Harry didn't know)

Harry knew that Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon would be furious if they found Dudley's guts busted all over the floor. So what did he do? He packed everything he might need, and jumped out of the nearest window! Harry was bleeding to death, and from above, the shattered window was shown covered with blood.

And he ran! Around in circles! He spotted a black dog but paid no attention! He ran for hours, till he finally realized he had made a hole in the ground about a mile deep. STILL he kept running till he reached nowhere. From above he saw a triple-decker, violently gross shade of purple, with gold lettering on the windshield that said _The Knight Bus_. Harry quickly climbed out of the hole and was introduced to Stan Shunpike, the conductor.

"Woss your name?" asked Stan stupidly.

"Shunpike. Stan Shunpike," answered Harry without hesitation.

"Really? That's a cool name! My name's Stan Shunpike."

"I know. You told me that at the beginning of the trip."

"What trip?"

"Anyways," Harry went on quickly, trying to distract Stan, "Have you ever heard of a game called... taaa... g?"

After trying to teach Stan how to play tag, Harry finally gave up. Stan unwound a copy of the _Daily Prophet_ and started reading. Harry saw a large photograph of a man with long shaggy black hair, unshaven beard, and a sunken face staring at him.

"Is that Michael Jackson?" asked Harry.

"This guy 'ere? Naw, 'e be Sirius Black! The escaped convict! You oughta read the papers more… umm… you."

Harry held the paper up to the candlelight and read:

**BLACK STILL AT LARGE**

Sirius Black, possibly the most infamous... blah blah blah...

"Wow..." said Harry in amazement.

"We're 'ere! Diagon Alley!"

"How'd you know—"

"I don't know... Now off ya go!"

Harry didn't know where to go so he snuck into a room in the Leaky Cauldron and fell fast asleep. The next day, as Harry was doing his Hogwarts shopping, he spotted a humgo crowd gathered around a display window in the Quality Quidditch Supplies store.

"Wow! It's so cool!"

"Is that the new Firebolt?"

"Sure is! It's the fastest broom in the world!"

"What's it called?"

As Harry squeezed through the crowd, he saw the most magnificent broom ever! It came with a description too that read:

**THE FIREBOLT**

THIS STATE-OF-THE-ART RACING BROOM blah blah...

Harry never wanted anything this much in his whole entire life! Harry knew he couldn't stay long so he left. And as days passed, Harry tried looking for any sign of his friends, Ron and Hermione. One day as he was taking one last look at The Firebolt, Harry heard someone call him.

"HAAARRRRYY..."

Harry's flesh crawled. His hair stood on end. A hand slowly reached up to touch his shoulder. Harry quickly turned around with his wand raised...!

It was Ron and Hermione! They were back from shopping and were eating some ice cream. Blah blah blah fast forward to... the Magical Menagerie

"Harry, look at my new wand!" Ron exclaimed, swishing his new wand around and poking Harry in the arm. "After my dad won all that money, I was able to get this baby!" Ron said kissing his wand.

"Ron, the lady asked you what's wrong with Scabbers."

"Oh yea! Well you see, my rat, Scabbers, hasn't been looking like himself lately ever since I brought him back from Egypt."

"Uh-huuuhh... Ok... Hmmmmmm... What is that! Yeah, OK..." the witch replied after close examination. "Do you want a new rat? This one doesn't even have all its toes! I suggest you try one of these rats. They like skipping."

The witch pointed to a few black rats in a cage that started skipping.

"Or if you prefer keeping this one, here's a rat tonic you might want to try."

"Alright," said Ron. "How much—"

POUNCE! Pounces (Ron: Whoa! What the—) CRASH!

"OUCH! What in bloody hell was that?" asked Ron aghast.

"CROOKSHANKS CROOKSHANKS NO!" the witch shouted. Crookshanks landed on the counter and scared Scabbers away.

"SCABBERS NO!" Ron chased after him, with Harry not far behind.

After Ron finally caught up with Scabbers, and safely tucked him away in his chest pocket, Hermione came out of the store, with a ginger colored cat in her arms.

"You actually bought that… that that… _beast_!" asked Ron disgusted.

"He's not a beast Ronald! He's beautiful, and cuddly!" said Hermione defensively, stroking Crookshanks on the head.

"So anyway, Harry. I was wondering if you'd like to come with me and everybody else to King's Cross tomorrow to the Hogwarts Express." Ron said finally noticing Harry.

"Sure." Said Harry as they all headed back to The Leaky Cauldron where they all ate and then slept.

The next day after everyone was done packing, they all headed towards Kings Cross in the family (Anglia) car. Mrs. and Mr. Weasley were bickering about Harry but nothing important. Everybody raced through the barrier before Mrs. Weasley could give them good-bye hugs and kisses. Most of the compartments on the train were full so they all went their separate ways. Harry, Ron, and Hermione found one near the back of the train. The train gave a great lurch and Harry went sailing through the air. Then he blacked out.

**End of chapter 3**


	4. Chapter 4 Grease

**A/N: I'm baaaaack…**

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters and elements are trademarks of J.K. Rowling.**

**WTF! Another Harry Potter Story?!  
by GetJiggyWithIt**

**Chapter 4 – Grease (yea, I'm talkin' 'bout you Snape)**

Harry awoke to the smell of…fart? He opened his eyes and the first thing he saw someone's butt in his face!

"What in the bloody…!" Harry swatted at the air to make the butt move.

"I told you it would work." Said an unfamiliar voice to Ron.

"Wow…" was all Hermione could manage.

"Who are you?!" Harry demanded to the gray-haired shabbily dressed man with the well-toned behind ("Thanks Jane Fonda!").

"Oh, pardon my rudeness. I'm R.J. Lupin, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor at Hogwarts." Prof. Lupin helped Harry up, and Hermione led him to his seat. "I presume you're Harry Potter."

"Don't scare me like that…geez." Harry then commenced staring at the open doorway of the compartment.

"Get out of here." He said out of nowhere as he continued to stare. Prof. Lupin, Ron, and Hermione turned around to look at what Harry was staring at.

"Harry…there's no one there." Hermione said as she turned back in the direction of Harry.

"That doesn't mean I didn't see anybody." Harry said as his eyes glazed over and grew larger. An awkward silence filled the air.

Suddenly, a chill filled the room. Harry heard a woman screaming inside his head. He felt someone slapping his cheeks. The cold left as quickly as it had come. He started to regain consciousness and heard footsteps around him. Neville shouted in Harry's ear to wake him up.

"AHHHH! ALL RIGHT! I'm _AWAKE_!" Harry said as he lay on the floor. "You people drive me crazy sometimes…" He slowly got up and looked around. "Where's Lu-"

"Right here stupid." Lupin entered the room with a huge piece of chocolate. "I stole this from the cart, but you can have it." Lupin tossed the chocolate to Harry. It hit Harry in the head and knocked him out. When Harry awoke, he was lying on his bed in the Gryffindor dormitory. He heard some rustling above him.

"Ron?"

"…Yeah?" Ron said somewhat groggily.

"What time is it?" asked Harry as he rubbed his eyes.

"7:52 A.M."

"How long have I been unconscious?"

"…I think…2 weeks? We couldn't wake you. You missed a lot. Like the new Divination professor. She's kooky! She made us read tea leaves, and I found out that…oh wait! Did I tell you about the Boggart with Prof. Lupin? Okay so there was this Boggart in the closet that could turn into your worst nightmare and Prof. Lupin taught us how to turn it into something funny. After that, I went to Care of Magical Creatures class with Hagrid. Oh yeah, Hagrid teaches now. Malfoy got hurt by a hippogriff because, well, you see ther-"

"Okay Ron. I get it. Tell me later. Right now, we'd better get to class."

Their first class was Potions with Snape. The two of them go there on time…or at least they would've if Snape hadn't turned around just as they were running in.

"Tut tut…now what do we have here? Harry Potter and Ron Weasley…you two are late for my class! As punishment, you must stand in front of the class holding hands."

Harry and Ron looked at each other with sleepy eyes and sighed. They slowly started walking to the front of the class when SUDDENLY!

DIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNG!

"OOOoOOHhh! My cookies are done!" Snape rushed to his easy bake oven in the back of the room. Harry and Ron looked at each other and ran for it.

"So Harry are you going to Hogsmeade this weekend? Please tell me your aunt and uncle signed your permission form." Ron looked at Harry's sad face. "Well it's all right. We'll try to bring back loads of sweets. Me with my girlish figure and Hermione with her huge biceps. It'll be like you didn't miss out on anything!"

They walked on to the Gryffindor dormitories and saw a very large crowd surrounding the Fat Lady portrait. The girls were jumping up and down to get a better look, and some were screaming.

"Looks like a Jonas Brothers concert." Ron whispered to Harry. Sure enough…

The Jonas Brothers appeared out of nowhere and started singing "When You Look Me in the Eyes" with really tight pants on. Nick Jonas started doing a flip when he took a misstep and died.

"Uh…he's bleeding…like…a lot." Somebody said. Everybody went quiet.

When Dumbledore arrived, Harry and Ron got a good look at the slashed painting, which was what everybody was really screaming about.

"If only she'd let him in…He's quite the feisty lad, that Sirius Black!" Peeves the Poltergeist said quite happily.

The next day, the disappearance of the Fat Lady was all anybody could talk about.

"Harry, try not to think about it too much. Just concentrate on winning the Quidditch match today against Hufflepuff okay?" Hermione said soothingly to Harry in the hospital wing.

"Hermione, the match was this morning in the rain. We lost remember? You brought my smashed-up broomstick while I was in here. Poor thing." Harry pulled out the remaining shards of his Nimbus broomstick from his back pocket. They had been sealed in an airtight plastic bag and sterilized. "It's okay baby. I got you." Harry said as he stroked the plastic bag lovingly.

"Uh, Harry I think you're too…umm, attached to that thing. Lemme just…uh, take that…from…you." Hermione said as she reached out for the broom shards.

Just then Professor Lupin walked in.

"Hey there Prof-" Hermione started to say when Lupin cut her off. "Don't you have someone to annoy?" Hermione ran out crying. "Who was that guy?"

"What did you want to talk about Professor?" Harry asked.

"Ah yes! I heard about what happened this morning at the Quidditch match. Y'know, the dementors. I've never seen Dumbledore so angry." Lupin said gravely.

"Why were they there? Why was I the only one who fainted? What if they're at the next match? How would I defend myself then? I don't want Gryffindor to lose again because of me! And what if th-"

"There are certain things you can do to defend yourself from them…which I could teach you if you'd like." Lupin said quietly.

"Good 'cause I need to be prepared." Harry said, determined to beat the dementors.

"You just have to pretend like you're not scared. Then Peeves won't give you a wedgie." Lupin said casually. Harry looked confused. "Oh you meant the dementors! Oh yes. The lessons will have to wait until after the holidays though. I've fallen ill…"

The next day, when Harry and Ron walked into their Defense Against the Dark Arts class, they found Snape standing at the front of the class.

"Because Lupin is sick, I'll be taking over during his absence." Snape snarled. "Open your books to page 5555555. Haha just kidding that was my feletone number. Write me a 300-page paper on werewolves and turn it in tomorrow. Now leave me alone, so I can get ready for my hot date tonight."

Snape turned around and plunged his entire head into a barrel of grease. Just then, Professor Sprout walked in.

"Oh hey there baby. Ready to go sweet thang?" Snape said oily.

After the greaseball and the tree trunk left, everybody started goofing off.

Later that day, Harry caught up with Ron and Hermione on their Hogsmeade trip.

"HARRY! How did you get here?" Hermione cried incredulously.

"Fred and George gave me this." Harry held up a square piece of parchment. "It's called a Maurader's Map. All you hav…HIDE!"

Some professors from Hogwarts were having drinks nearby at the Three Broomsticks. They started talking about Harry Potter and how Sirius Black betrayed his parents. Harry listened intently.

"MY LIFE IS SO COOL!" Harry shouted at the top of his lungs. The professors stopped talking and looked around. They then returned to their conversation and left after a few minutes. They'd left tons of tips for Madame Rosmerta, their waitress.

"Lose some weight. McGonagall."

"Walk faster! Cornelius Fudge."

"Your shoes are really dirty. Flitwick."

"U r hott. Txt me bak soon! Rubius (Mr. Right) Hagrid"

That conversation about Siruis Black at the Three Broomsticks was all Harry could think about. He hadn't even realized when Hermione and Ron dragged him to Hagrid's hut. Hagrid was sobbing uncontrollably.

"T-they're going to-to-to-to-to…intake of air take awaaayyyy…BUCKBEAK!" cried Hagrid through his tears.

"Hagrid! Pull yourself together!!" Hermione said as she shook him.

"Hey…uh y'know I'd hate to be rude, but…oh gosh, how do I say this? Um…how long is this gonna take because we have presents to open, and you don't." Ron said trying to be sincere but failing.

"Go on, it's o-o-okkkkayy…" said Hagrid wiping his tears. "I'll just-"

"OKAY, great! Let's go guys." Ron said shoving everybody out the door.

The next morning, when Ron and Harry were in Defense Against the Dark Arts class, they angrily discussed how Hermione had McGonagall confiscate Harry's new Firebolt. Harry talked to Lupin about his anti-dementor lessons, and they met the following Thursday to practice. He had failed to produce a strong patronus. He needed more practice but between Quidditch and homework, that was nearly impossible.

What if dementors showed up at his next quidditch match against Ravenclaw? What would he do then?


	5. Chapter 5 She da Man!

**A/N: Word to your mother!**

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters and elements are trademarks of J.K. Rowling.**

**WTF! Another Harry Potter Story?!  
by GetJiggyWithIt**

**Chapter 5 – She da Man!**

The big day had arrived. Harry looked so beautiful in his wedding dress! Oh wait…

The big day had arrived. When Harry walked onto the field, he heard loud, cheerful applause coming from the audience. It was so loud in fact that it felt as if it was coming from somewhere right next to him…

"WE LOVE YOU!" screamed two girls, standing right beside Harry, into his ears.

Twelve security guards had to run onto the field and beat the girls with bread loaves to make them leave. ("WE'LL BE BACK!")

After a few moments, the golden Snitch was released. Harry searched vigorously for it while sneaking glances at Ravenclaw's seeker, Cho Chang. Her shoes were FAB-U-LOUS! Pink Chanel quilted ballet flats with printed insoles! So yummy!

When Harry spotted the Snitch, he dived and caught it! Yay for Gryffindor! Later that night, there was a celebration party to celebrate and party. Afterwards, everyone went to bed and slept soundly. SUDDENLY!

"HOLY MOLY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Harry awoke with a start. Ron was screaming that he saw Sirius Black with a knife. He had slashed Ron's curtains and tried to kill him!

"Are you Sirius?!" shouted Harry. "Sorry, I couldn't help myself. The pun was just waiting to be made." He sprinted downstairs to catch up with Ron.

Pretty much everybody heard Ron's screams and gathered in the common room. Professor McGonagall had to be called in to break up the ruckus. Ron retold his story to her, and she didn't believe him.

"What? You no believe?! Go ask Sir Cadogan!" shouted Ron. "I'm telling you he was here! With a knife!"

McGonagall went outside and asked the portrait if he had let anybody in.

"Of course I did! He had all the passwords on a sheet of paper and recited them all to me. Plus he was hot!" said Sir Cadogan as he fanned himself because he was blushing.

An awkward silence filled the air. Everybody was told to go back to sleep. _Obviously_ no one could sleep. _Obviously_. At dawn, they were told that Sirius had escaped again.

"Geez are you kidding me?!" cried Ron. "I wanna see some Magical CIA come busting down doors with triple-toxic, nuclear, 95,000 round shotguns! What am I paying taxes for?!"

"Ron, you don't pay taxes. You didn't even know what taxes were until I told you." Harry said.

"SO?! Do you know what the main source of federal government revenue is?!" Ron asked defiantly.

"You and I my friend." replied Harry.

"Damn skippy! Now where's my freakin' breakfast?!" Ron shouted angrily. "Hey you bobble-headed elves! How's about some scrambled eggs and toast!"

For the rest of the day, everybody avoided Ron and his warpath.

"I'm a real hero! I survived Sirius Black and his knife of death! That's way better than not dying from Voldemort's killing curse. Pffft. I'll take that medal whenever it's ready." Ron shouted at Dumbledore as Dumbledore walked by to get to Dumbledore's seat.

Neville had received a howler from his grandmother, and Harry had gotten a note from Hagrid inviting him and Ron to tea and crumpets, scones, and biscuits. That whole British sha-bang y'know. They discussed Buckbeak's trial. The trial date was near, and Hagrid mentioned that Hermione had been helping defend his case. After their visit, the two returned to the castle.

"Hey the next Hogsmeade trip is coming up! You wanna go?" Ron asked Harry as they walked up the stairs to their dorm.

"Sho thang. 'Cause y'know, I'm a balla. I'm blangin'." Harry said as he slicked back his hair with his spit.

"Wow Harry. Thanks for the lesson in white-boy ghetto wannabe terminology. Now I'm down. Fo shizzle!" Ron said as he raised his hand to meet Harry in a high five. He was left hanging.

On the day of the Hogsmeade trip, Harry put on his invisibility cloak and used his Maurauder's Map to get to Ron. At Hogsmeade, the two met up in front of the shambled Shrieking Shack. Later, they ran into Draco Malfoy. Everybody knows Draco right? The sweet young lad with the blond hair and blue eyes? Yeah him. Some may shout nay and tell me that he is some evil rich punk with a cold heart out to get Harry in trouble. But seriously? Draco Malfoy? Evil and rich? It's like I'm writing a fantasy novel! *Chuckles* Silly naïve little children.

Anyway! Draco was making fun of Ron, hurling insults left and right.

"Weasley, is that your house behind you? Is that all you could afford? What, no diamonds? No 1000" flat screen HD-TV? Your parents must hate you!" Draco hissed. He then started to sniff the air. "What's that? Do I smell smoke? 'Cause you just got burned!" He and his cronies did their "Boo-yah!" dance and smacked butts to show congratulations.

Harry threw mud at him. Draco sent one of his minions to search for the cause of the mug flinging. Crabbe accidentally stepped on Harry's cloak revealing Harry's head. Harry ran and made it back to school, but Snape saw him.

"Come with me Potter. My plan of attack is to give you the evil eye and question you until you tell me the truth. Oops! Uh…pretend you didn't hear that…" Snape said as he started to drag Harry away.

"Uh wait! First, you have to tell me how your date with Professor Sprout went! I'm dying to know!" Harry said as his ears screamed out in protest and began to melt off his head.

"It was great thanks! We first got onto a hearse because I couldn't afford a full decked out black limousine 'cause y'know those are, like, 15 galleons. That, like, way too much money for me to spend on her. Did you see her outfit? Green striped wool pants and a graphic tee with red patent leather peep-toe pumps! Icky." Snape said as he tossed his hair behind his shoulder.

The entire time Snape was babbling, Harry nodded his head, feigning interest. The first chance he saw, he ran for it. Sadly, as he was running away, everything from his pockets, candy and the Marauder's Map, fell onto the floor right in front of Snape. Snape picked them up and delivered them to Lupin.

"Happy Christmas!" Snape said as he handed Lupin the map. "And happy birthday!" He handed Lupin the bag of candy. "Now don't ever talk to me again you creepo." Snape walked away, back under the rock from which he came.

Lupin sighed. He knew exactly what the map was and kept it from Harry to ensure that he stayed safely within the walls of Hogwarts. Harry still running away from Snape ran into Ron. They walked together and as they were turning a corner, met up with Hermione. Ron wasn't pleased to see her and hoped she had come with the news that she had gotten rid of Crookshanks, the cat accused of eating Scabbers.

Her eyes were filled with tears, and she was trembling. "Hagrid…he…he lost his case. Buckbeak is awaiting execution."

DUN DUN DUN!!!! Stay tuned for the next chapters. Maybe I'll finally finish writing about book 3, and get on with my life…

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